


White Collar Problems

by d_aia



Series: Debts Universe [2]
Category: Black Panther (Comics), Deadpool (2016), Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Not Steve Friendly, POV Outsider, POV Weasel, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 18:15:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9001321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d_aia/pseuds/d_aia
Summary: Weasel was having a… weird day. He sighed, looked at the unwashed glasses, then back to his vexation. Grabbing a glass, he decided he was going to work through his frustration. He slipped a suspicious look at the group in the corner.*A bunch of lawyers walk into a bar. No problem with that. But did it have to be Weasel's bar?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the movie (and characters, locations, personal histories etc as are shown in it). This is the work of fanfiction.
> 
> For: IfIWereMagneto, charminghex99, and DaughteroftheSilverMoon. 
> 
> Notes: If you want to know more about the original characters, then read Debts. If not, simply know that the entire Team Cap has been arrested after the movie. Happy Holidays!

Weasel was having a… weird day. He sighed, looked at the unwashed glasses, then back to his vexation. Grabbing a glass, he decided he was going to work through his frustration. He slipped a suspicious look at the group in the corner. 

"You know, I heard that pictures last longer," Wade said amusedly from a shadowed corner. "Also, you'd know that they aren't vampires that way."

Weasel pouted grouchily. He wasn't prejudiced. It's just that... They were so normal. Weasel was willing to bet they worked 9 to 5 jobs, in cushy offices. It was disgusting.

Wade huffed, and slipped his mask on, before making his way to them. Weasel almost called out a warning, but Wade had the habit of going where Weasel couldn't follow. Maybe Weasel would win that bet, after all maybe Wade would die of boredom.

Weasel pouted harder.

"Hello, hello," Wade said. The mask was creepy, but his voice came out funny so that was okay. "Don't take this the wrong way, but did the story about Red Ridding Hood teach you nothing?"

One of the Others laughed. "That the wolf had bad representation?"

Wade head tilted. "I like how you think. Wade Wilson. May I join you?"

The man who had laughed, checked with the others, and said, "Sure. I'm Cameron Fast." He stole another chair. Stole it! "Take a seat. That's Peter Schultz. Maja Gustav. Rin Saito. Riley Lazarus. Jan Kowalski. And Ana Luiza Teixeira. We're lawyers."

Huh, lawyers.

"In a mercenary bar. While I'm still thinking about who the wolves are, I'll tell you that you've got your wires seriously crossed," Wade said gleefully.

"You forgot meta-humans," Schultz said, fast as a darting snake, and just as damaging. "I saw you on the news."

Wade made an exaggerated hurt sound. "And you still invited me to sit with you?" He leaned closer, and whispered. "Tell me the truth, am I not scary anymore?"

"We're not supposed to fear our clients," Saito said. "That being said, what you did to those people was horrifying."

Wade sat back, happy now that his status was once again confirmed. Sap. He asked for another tequila, so Weasel was going to bring him that, and a beer too because it saved time.

"I'm not your client," Wade mentioned, as he nodded to Weasel.

"You could be," Lazarus said.

"Anyone want anything else?" Weasel asked, feeling better with Wade there.

Weasel thought Wade figured that out and was smirking like an asshole, but luckily for Weasel he couldn't tell watching the mask.

"Another... three beers, please," Kowalski said, with a pleasant smile.

"And a whiskey," Gustav added.

Weasel nodded.

"I don't think I can afford you," Wade said.

"A mercenary so hell bent on destruction?" Gustav asked doubtfully. "The economy is really in the toilet."

"There are ways around that," Kowalski offered quietly.

Lazarus head tilted, and he asked, "But first, what's your opinion on Tony Stark?"

"Do I have to have just one?" Wade asked bewildered.

Weasel brought them their drinks. Maybe they weren't so bad. If nothing else, Gustav sure knew how to handle her alcohol, or had some kind of problem. Weasel would say... both. Both worked too.

"Mr. Stark thought that lawyers would be the appropriate to the UN and, generally, Governments suddenly waking up, seeing enhanced people, and misplacing the Rights because they're afraid and/or greedy," Fast explained. "And, on the other side, the meta-humans react violently to that threat. They ignore laws and everybody else's Rights. We're meant to mediate."

"Kudos for Mr. Stark, but you're getting shafted in this deal," Wade said.

"Mr. Stark pays us three times more for what's essentially our usual work," Teixeira admitted.

Wade thought about that. "Kudos for you, but Mr. Stark's getting shafted."

"Since he's getting shafted anyway, or we are, why don't you take advantage?" Lazarus asked with a smirk.

"Would I really?" Wade asked with his head tilted, but he got tense.

Weasel could understand that. After all, the last time somebody approached Wade with an offer, in this bar, it didn't go well. That might have been why Weasel was so suspicious of those kinds of people, or maybe it was—Yeah, better to stop there.

Shultz rolled his eyes, and pushed a business card within Wade's easy reach. "We're betting you've had worse bosses."

"A chance to prank call Tony Stark?!" Wade asked gleefully.

"A chance to prank call his AI," Kowalski answered with a smile. He was disgustingly amiable. "But, be careful, she's got fire. She might just prank call you back."

"And then convince all the electronics around you to join in," Saito added.

Teixeira flapped a hand. "It's only fair."

"Hear, hear," Gustav raised her glass.

"And you just—from all the continents in the world, from all the countries on this continent, from all the cities in this country, and from all the bars in this city—happen to find one with a murderous meta-human inside?" Wade asked dryly.

"No," Lazarus replied. "We wanted to find you, were looking for cheap alcohol along with a judgement-free zone, and, if at a all possible, a new watering hole. We're efficient people." The smirk had yet to leave his face.

"Even hyenas get thirsty, huh?" Wade quipped.

Lazarus laughed. "You'd know best."

"Think about it," Kowalski said benevolently. "Now, what's with Maja?"

"She and Riley got a new task from the boss since they were _fired,_ and all," Schultz said, grinning serenely at Lazarus scowl.

Then Lazarus brightened. "We got the Spiderling. Now, I got the UN side. It was a breeze."

"I didn't," Gustav said, and tossed back her drink. "I got N—Y—P—fucking—D. They suck."

Auch. And that was Weasel's queue. He scurried her way, with a new glass of whiskey. It was, in fact, a double. Gustav sounded like she needed it.

As soon as Weasel put it on the table, Gustav clutched it. She raised big, blue eyes at Weasel, and said solemnly, "Thank you."

"Drink up," Weasel said, all the while thinking they might not be trying to recruit Wade for a life of slavery.

"Oh, I saw part of Barton's trial," Lazarus supplied. "He was not cooperating with good ol' Tomahawk."

Teixeira snorted, while Fast said as an aside, "He's a lawyer, and his name is Axel, but his nickname is Tomahawk by how he picks the simplest, clearest way."

"Please, he picks the most savage way for all involved," Schultz said with an eye roll.

"That too," Fast admitted.

Lazarus grinned, and said, "Anyway, Barton kept answering Tomahawk's questions with some variation of 'Classified.' He destroyed his own defense."

Gustav had just taken a drink. She blinked, then blinked again, and then sprayed her whiskey on Wade. Or where Wade used to be. The motherfucker had better reflexes than that, but Gustav looked pissed she had wasted her drink.

Weasel was there already, bottle of whiskey in hand. He received another empathic 'thank you,' and a grin. Maybe they were actual, real clients that came for the alcohol. They drank a lot, didn't break any of the furniture, and paid. _What's not to like?_   Weasel thought.

"Rogers is still keeping up the whole 'his truth is justice and patriotism,'" Teixeira announced. "Mostly. I heard about a week ago that someone proposed the theory that since he was enhanced, his sense of right and wrong was too, so basically he knows best."

"Oh, shit," Lazarus whispered passionately, looking as he'd like nothing more than slam his head on the table.

"Is that Captain America, I hear you gushing about?" Wade asked bewildered.

Lazarus lifted his head. "He's a hero to us all," he said sarcastically.

Wade was still confused. "Isn't he though?"

"Please, the actual man doesn't even know how the Justice System works," Saito said. "I feel for him, but in order for anybody to explain it to him, he'd have to actually believe them. And he only belives the people that say he's completely right." She shrugged.

"Why doesn't Romanoff set him straight?" Lazarus asked curiously.

"She doesn't seem to... Well, she's a difficult woman to understand," Saito admitted. "But from what I could tell she either doesn't realize how little Rogers understands, doesn't want to get anymore involved, or is of the firm belief that he won't be swayed."

Teixeira asked, "Any problems with her?"

"No, she's being very cooperative." Saito smiled quickly. "I have to actively remind myself that she's a spy and an assassin."

"At some point, you gotta question if you're the one with the problem," Wade said, referring to whatever it was in his head.

Saito frowned.

Wade whispered as if he was telling them all a secret, "Nobody panic, but I am an assassin."

Saito froze, her eyebrows hugging on her forehead. "You don't ever look harmless, but good point."

Chuckling, Fast said, "Lang's a puppy, right?"

"Yes, he is," Teixeira said, and nodded. "But he's an ex-con, who graduated from an Ivy League with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and he has a daughter, who lives with his ex-wife, that he left in the dust. He's all over the place." She sighed. "How's Wilson?"

Wade blinked. _"Moi?"_

"Sam Wilson," Kowalski said. He, miraculously, clenched his jaw. "He's doing... He needs some shaping up," Kowalski finished with a benevolent from that sent a shiver down Weasel's spine.

"Is that code for something?" Wade asked. He immediately crossed his arms in a 'x.' "Don't tell me, I don't want to know." A beat, the he said, "Or do I?"

"If anyone's interested, Barnes is getting treatment in Wakanda," Shultz offered.

"And after?" Kowalski asked.

Shultz made a dismissive hand gesture. "Probation. We got lucky with Prince T'Challa."

"Not in the way some of us wanted," Fast said with a wistful expression.

Wade inclined head, allowing that. "I see what you're thinking, but I'm raising Stark and T'Challa _together_." The smirk could be heard in his voice. "How's that?"

Fast was quiet for a few seconds. "Better," he said decisively.

Gustav snorted. "Any news on Maximoff?"

Shrugging, Fast said, "None that I've heard of."

"I heard something about her attacking her lawyer?" Schultz said uncertainly. "It was just a rumor though."

"It was more than a rumor," Teixeira told him. "I wasn't there, but Jan was."

Kowalski expression turned somber. "Cameron you're lucky she fired you. I don't know _precisely_ what happened, but she was arguing with Mitchell, and suddenly she lifted a hand and red smoke came out. Mitchell's eyes were red for a second. Then whatever it was passed, and Mitchell was terrified." His expression left no doubt that he did not approve. It was a bit like upsetting Santa.

"That's why you asked me the necessary steps to get a lawyer off somebody's else's case," Lazarus said brightly, then continued more sedately. "I hope you did."

"I did, thank you again," Kowalski said, and Lazarus nodded accepting his gratitude, but dismissing the need for it in the same gesture. "And Cameron gave me Professor Xavier's contact information so I could make sure nothing like that happened again."

"I thought you said there weren't any news?" Saito lightly accused Fast.

"I didn't know why he needed it," Fast defended himself.

"And you didn't want to know?" Wade asked cheerfully.

"Plausible deniability," Fast admitted. "And Jan is a big boy, he knows what he can handle. He'd have asked for help if it was too much."

"I would," Kowalski confirmed.

"In the meantime, I was working on the case of Mr. Wilson," Fast redirected the conversation.

"Which one?" Wade asked. "You really need different names. He's Birdie, I am... Swordy. No, Mouthy."

"Yours, Mouthy," Fast quipped back. He gestured to Weasel to bring another round. "I'm already paid for my time, so I can tell you that there is a way for you to get out of this scot free for this incident."

"And the next time don't show off in public?" Wade asked amusedly.

"That would be the general wish, yes," Fast said. "Not only you'd get off with a slap on your wrist on a combination of trauma, and fear of repeat, you'd have your shot of convicting your other capturer. I hear the proof against her is slim."

"Or I can just kill her when she gets out," Wade shot back. "Decisions, decisions."

"I never understood why you'd want the people who hurt you to suffer less, but that's your choice," Schultz told Wade. "What Fast was saying, that's worth noting. Look, you don't even have to hire him. Hire a different lawyer. A good lawyer so you don't get screwed, and experimented on. That way you won't have to look over your shoulder for the rest of your very long life."

"Did anybody ever take you aside and explain in excruciating detail that you have no bedside manners?" Wade asked dryly.

"I'll leave that to the professionals," Fast responded with no trace of regret.

Wade said menacingly, "Professionals in what?"

"Explaining things in excruciating detail, and in bedside manners." Schultz smirked. "But only if they are in both."

Wade shrugged. "I have a great nurse outfit."

"But no manners whatsoever," Weasel said pointedly, while he brought everyone their drinks.

It was Wade's turn to pout. He lifted the card. "I'll give him a call." He sighed, then his body language turned considering. Weasel could tell by the way Wade brought his hand to support his chin, and made 'hmmmm' sound. What? It wasn't rocket science. "The AI better answer, because I have some questions for her."

Fast's smile turned into a grimace.

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to comment (or just talk to me) you can do it here or on my [tumblr](http://e-alexandrescu.tumblr.com/).


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